Morning. Yep, I’m actually up right now. My body tried to wake me up at 8, but I wouldn’t get up. So I woke up about 40min ago now and actually got out of bed. I’m achy and tired and I don’t want to eat anything. This is how I’ve been waking up lately. Not wanting to eat anything. This is why I haven’t been taking my morning meds lately. I haven’t been eating in the mornings. The only reason I’ve been eating dinner is I’ve been at a friends house and he’s cooked me dinner because my stomach was growling. I don’t want to eat. The only reason I’ve been eating lunch is so I can take my meds and not pass out. My eating disorder is telling me to say fuck it though and just not eat. But I have to take my meds.
Stupid medical doctor put me on anti inflammatories and sent me a referral for physical therapy without sending me to x-ray. Yeah, because she really knows what’s wrong without an x ray or mri. I’m so sick of people who know they’re right no matter what. Everything else is wrong, even if it fits better. I really just want to tell them all to fuck off and stop telling the evidence it’s wrong and to go away. Those people push my buttons and I’m, frankly, ready to explode on the next one I come into contact with. I’m fucking sick of them.
Here’s my anger getting out of control again. Great. Not done anything this morning and my anger is already reaching a 9. What’s the rest of today going to be like? Oh fuck face that stole my e cig better hope he doesn’t come anywhere in my sight.
I’m not that person. Only when I’m angry. Calming down. I just need to keep typing. Just for the moment. Even though I need to eat something and get dressed. That isn’t going to help me calm down. Especially not eating. I’ve been pissed off all morning. Throwing things around. I guess this is me taking a time out. Can’t seem to get away from my anger though. No matter how far you run, you are always right there. I hate that saying. I love it, but I hate it. It’s so true though.
Doing yoga in my chair. That helps. I want to bring the mat out here and do it that way, but there’s people over. Other than those that live here. One fuck face that has been here over a month despite having a place to live that’s NOT here. God. I need to get out of this house. This house is not helping my anger any. At all.
Bloody puke again. Bloody snot. Bloody spit. No cuts in my mouth or esophagus. Getting chest pains again. Left arm pain(that’s probably from anxiety). Weighing out food again. Purging if I feel like I ate too much or the wrong thing. Btw, too much is around 3 eggs with a tomato and a handful of spinach and a bit of cheese. Too much is a single serving of cereal with a banana. Too much is anything I can feel sitting in my stomach really. A big muffin, a sandwich, anything that’s not a single serving of cereal plain, or a salad, or something along those lines. My meals are getting bigger, but not staying down. When they do stay down, they’re super small unless I’m at a friends house or a meeting or something. I’m back to purging about 6 times a week. Sometimes more.
I’m texting my old therapist at the moment. Sea Mar is closed today or I’d call D or more likely I’d go in and see if he or L could talk. I made a deal with a friend though that I would call him if I felt like cutting. I haven’t cut in probably 2 weeks now.
I’m just feeling overwhelmed today. Nothing to do. My knee hurts too bad to walk to a meeting. My entire leg is hurting today actually. Radiating pain from the knee. I have a doctors appointment for it on Monday. I kind of hope they send me to X Ray so I can see what’s going on with it.
I just wish someone could hang out today and talk. Just talk. Or do something. I dunno. I just don’t feel okay today. I’m depressed and angry and I just want to be numb. Not a good feeling. Not a good want. Shit just sucks right now.
On a random, slight up, I have money to pay my phone bill next month if I can hold onto it. I got my last check from Safeway. Apparently I’ve had it for a few weeks and not known about it. Almost a month actually. I can get chips for the potluck tomorrow. Oh yeah, there’s an Easter potluck, speaker meeting tomorrow at 1. Means I’ve got to get to bed at a decent hour tonight. I guess this means it’s movie time or show time or something. Probably going to watch some House or Criminal Minds online. I may see what’s on TV. Dunno. Or I may just play my music and record a cover. Or all of the above. We’ll see I guess. My grandma’s making soup for dinner. Hope it stays down.
Morning. I’m not exactly sure how I feel this morning. Super all over the place? That’s about the only way to describe it. I think my therapist finally realized it may help me to be on add meds yesterday. So my team is going to get into contact with my therapist from Arizona, JS, and see if it was ever diagnosed. I think it was, a while back. If not then hopefully they can diagnose it… I think ADD meds would help. The main thing is I can’t organize my thoughts, which is part of why blogs like this usually take me at least a half hour for a measly paragraph or two. That and I get distracted so easily. I can’t focus. Like this small little paragraph so far has taken me almost 10minutes to finish.
As for my mood, I’ve gone from angry, to happy, to depressed, back to happy, and now to irritated in a matter of 40min. That is not normal. Speaking of moods… Shit, I forgot to document my anger levels this week… Oh well. I can recount, sort of. It’s okay.
On a different note, my friend K gave me one of his old E Cigs so I’m vaping again. Like really vaping. He also gave me a bottle of juice to go with it. Red Bull flavor. 🙂
Anyway, I should start getting ready now. I’ve got to leave for group in about a half hour. I love you all.
Well, I’ve missed two meetings so far today. To be honest I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I was okay. Sort of, this morning. I was angry. Now I’m just depressed. I dunno, maybe I’m still angry. Angry at myself. For letting everything that’s happened happen. For giving up my sweet November Rain. For throwing away everything I’ve ever had that’s been good, every time. I’m tired of doing this.
I self sabotage every time anything good happens. I’m the only one that won’t let me be happy. I’m the only one that likes to see myself hurting. And I don’t like it anymore. It’s more of just a bad habit now. I can’t seem to let myself be happy. I ruin it every time I come close.
Well I’m done doing that. I’m done with all of that. I’m taking back my life. I’m determined to let myself heal.
Morning. I know, I keep not posting for a while. I’m sorry. I’ve just been super busy. I need to start posting more again I think. It would probably help me a bit. Anyways. A lot has been going on. This has been the first of many busy weeks to come. I’ve started a group on Monday’s that’s a health and wellness group, I’ve started a group on Wednesday that’s an anger management group on top of the self esteem group and I have therapy Tuesdays and IOP groups Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday every week. All of this is every week. On top of that I’m working the steps with my sponsor in AA & NA and trying to keep up working on my music. So busy, busy, busy. There are now 3 days a week I can’t attend my home group of AA and I can’t attend my home group of NA on Tuesday’s anymore because I’ve got to get up too early. I can still do my Saturday NA though.
Anyway, things have been going okay. I had a bit of a slip up for a few days with my eating disorder, but I’m getting back on track. I just need to make sure I’m not binging now. I’ve also got to make sure I’m exercising enough because I broke and weighed myself and I’m up to 154.2lbs. No. Just, no. Thanks to my weighing in, Ed is trying to creep back in, but I’m trying very hard to keep him out. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last though.
D checked in on how I was doing with self esteem and image since I started the group. It’s getting easier to deal with and I’m breaking more out of my shell, but I still totally hate myself. I still have a hard time thinking about what I’m good at, what my strengths are, anything good about myself. I can think of positives about my life now, which I couldn’t do before. I’m making progress, it just takes a while.
In other news, I’ve got 60days in NA today. I keep almost hoping I slip up on something so I can change my AA and NA dates to the same, but I have to remember they are different because I needed something to help keep me clean until I could get sober as well. There is alcohol so easily accessible just sitting in the freezer. Waiting. Ugh. Mocking me. I need to get out of this house.
I know I disappeared for a while. I’m sorry. I was trying to stay out of my head after Katie died. I miss her and my heart is still heavy, but I’m doing better. For the most part. I’ve not drank or used, but I’ve relapsed back to ED. I’m back to purging almost every day. I’ve only binged and purged once, but I’m purging over half of what I eat, which isn’t much to begin with. I still haven’t stepped on the scale. I know if I do, I’ll be screwed. Though I’m seriously debating it in the morning. Just to see where I am… I’ve got a total of 4 pairs of jeans that fit and only one of those doesn’t have a hole in the crotch area. Even half my dress pants don’t fit. Mind you I have to start looking for a job and I have no money to buy new dress pants. So pretty much I have nothing to wear to interviews and shit other than skirts and dresses. Like I’m not stressed out enough.
I’m seriously thinking about getting on Social Security benefits. Or at least applying. The worst they can do is turn me down. I don’t know if I can handle working right now. I’m a wreck. A total mess. I hide it well, but I don’t know how well I’d be able to hide it job searching and shit. Just the thought threatens an anxiety attack. I dunno. I’ll talk with D about it Tuesday. I don’t even know if I would qualify. I don’t quite understand the way they put it on the site and I can’t read through it without getting a migraine. I’ve tried.